Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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