I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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