Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
