I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
