if only i could text you this smell
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
