I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
