mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
