If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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