so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
