You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
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My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
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I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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