cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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