Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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