How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
