wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
