Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
