I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
