Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
