Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
