Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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