God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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