omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
