I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
