i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
