There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize