the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
