sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
