Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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