The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
