this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
