Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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