I wanna bring you to show and tell
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
as a side note pls kill me
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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