I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
