An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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