well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
