It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
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I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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