I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You were trust falling into bushes
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
