Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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