So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
