I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
