I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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