he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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