did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
