i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
