i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
