Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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