Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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