If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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