Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
