Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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