She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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