when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
