my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
