He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
