i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i want to fuck
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it's pretty self explanatory
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
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