She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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