Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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