Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
